This is my story. It's alive. Meaning it is still being written. It begins somewhere in the middle and doesn't yet have an ending. Its a collection of stories and reflections. These are the stories I do not share with all my family members. But I share these stories with my clients, my children and chosen family. And I share them here. They are stories hf return home to myself, re connection with my ancestral roots, gathering my medicine, remembering who I am and why I am here, on this Earth, at this time.
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November 17, 2022
On Darkness & Medicine
I set an intention, drank a cup of medicine, and sat with my heartbreak in the dark, in a sacred ceremony. My heart aching, my mind wondering if this existence is hell, my soul light fading.
I gave myself permission to feel all my emotions attached to painful stories of betrayal, abandonment and judgment. So many stories. So much pain. I thought I would drown in this pain. But with a guidance to stay with my breath and keep my heart open, instead of drowning, I was initiated into LOVE. I was called to love in a deeper, fuller and more mysterious way then ever before. This Love is holly. It showed me how to surrender into the beauty, magic, and sensuality of my own body. It revealed to me how deeply in love I am with the Earth. It helped me remember how to play with the Universe. And it taught me how to carry my Medicine with love. My Medicine! I have a medicine! Actually, I have been having a love affair with Her throughout this whole lifetime. It’s a beautiful love story that began at the footsteps of the Altai mountains. It began with a little girl running free in Siberian forest. She played with leafs, brew potions, talked to the Pines, and followed the bees 🐝🐝🐝 My great grandmother introduced me to this Medicine, the Land was my Teacher, the bees were my guides. Now as a woman I carry these medicine stories and love them to the bone. In the ceremony I have been show how before Medicine Women carry their Medicine, they fall in love with it and they love it the way children love to play. The Medicine plays with the daughters of the Universe and the little girls in us play with the Medicine. For me this play was a begging of my apprenticeship. As a little girl I played with my Medicine in the deep woods, in the snow, at the footsteps of the majestic Altai mountains, next to the beehives, by the wild river, and around warm fire. That’s where the story began. But like all stories do, my story kept unfolding and all of a sudden everything changed. Things were not as they were anymore and there was no way of going back. My great grandmother died. The little girl got uprooted, transplanted, betrayed and abandoned. The childhood ended too early and too abruptly. The little girl forgot and disconnected from the medicine and it took her years to see that the Medicine never abandoned her. This Medicine of mine was always calling me back into my heart, back to myself, into a sense of belonging and the world of magic. As a young wounded woman I walked around looking for teachers not understanding that I already had one. This Medicine of mine IS the teacher. All I had to do was return to the classroom in the deep woods, sitting on the Earth surrounded by ancient trees, listening with my heart. Once, after a heartbreak that I thought would end me, a friend came to keep me safe. She is a wise woman and she didn’t try to heal me. Instead she gently nudged me to come back to the classroom. I have been skipping “school” for so long and even when I showed up I was not paying attention... always in my head. It took a heartbreak to return to the heart, to come back to the magic, to go into the woods. I had to be cracked open by pain to reconnect with my Medicine. I returned to the Medicine as a woman and the apprenticeship began again. Or maybe it has never been interrupted? In the ceremony, my Medicine has asked me to spend this lifetime carrying Her as She carries me through this human experience. The first lesson is this. To carry medicine is to love HER! Medicine carriers don’t just carry their Medicine, they love their Medicine! The Medicine is a part of those who carry Her. This means that my Medicine is a part of me and to love Her is to love myself. And as the Medicine and I are both daughters of the Universe and I am a part of my Universe Mother, to love myself is to allow the Universe to love me. So I am learning to let the love of the Great Mother flow through me, anointing my whole being with a blessing of belonging and magic, a blessing sweet like sticky holly honey poured on this beautiful heart, body, and soul. And I am allowing myself to simply love what I love despite what others think about it or the stories they make about me. I am looking forward to more lessons. And I want to hear a story of your medicine too! I believe as we all walk on this Earth we all carry Medicine. Let’s keep returning to our Medicine, let’s keep remembering how to tend to it and how to love and be loved by it. Wouldn’t it be fun to tell and listen to each other’s Medicine Stories? I want to create space for these sacred magic storytelling nurture huddles where we share magical medicine stories. And also I simply miss you and want to hug for a long time and drink tea together. We do this remembering through ceremony, Medicine storytelling, and dream journeys. If you can feel your Medicine calling, this is a space where you can learn to listen. |
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